Posted On: Monday - April 13th 2020 10:52AM MST
In Topics:   Humor  Salesmen  Curmudgeonry
... fool me a coupla' hundred times, I'm starting to get wise to this crap:
- Brownish-yellow envelope: Man, this is something important, like from the Feral Government or the country clerk or something ... but, I'm not expecting a tax refund. I still owe them money, but maybe I made a mistake, and they owe me... but, no, I haven't even done my taxes yet. I am gonna work from home on this later, just as the IRS is working from home. Even my home office, suitable for this tax accounting and preparation, is on total lock-down. The desk is just crawling with virae!
- Business envelope: Still, it could be something important. It's not from the internet company about getting back on TV (haven't got their mid-April ad yet, suprisingly..) and it's not one of those kinder, gentler pieces of junk mail. Yeah, but I've been fooled before on this... maybe a coupla' hundred times ..
- Oh, "National" something: Gotta be the Government, right? I'd better open this. They may need me for something, fighting in Afghanistan, building up infrastructure, enforcing the stay-at-home-or-at-least-the-park-or-would-you-believe-in-town orders. Wait, if this is not a check, though, then the US Government can go straight to hell, as far as I'm concerned ...
- Atlanta, Georgia: ?? I do know some people in Atlanta, Georgia, but they don't work for the US Government or any National something-or-other. Nobody sends letters, but this reminds me, I gotta check my email this month ...
- Time Sensitive: OMG!! Better open this right now on the porch. I shoulda looked out the window for the mailman, so I could have gotten this a half hour ago. Dammit! OK, but they'd have called or emailed, right? I mean, that'd be quicker... don't I give that information out to everyone and everybody? Oh, wait.... But, last 3 times it said "time sensitive" it was an ad for a free dinner in return for listening to a pitch so I might buy a funeral plot. What's the all-fire hurry?
- Important: That's what I'm trying to decide... hold on, dammit!
- Benefit Information: Benefits?! This could be the insurance company cutting me off. Or maybe it's a check for when I cut that other guy off ... and he threw his phone at my rear quarter panel. They'd have sent me a certified letter eventually, probably .. but my policy is to never sign for those (unless I already know what it is). It's highly unlikely that I'm getting any benefits from this piece of mail...
- Mr. Occupant: What? It's not even for me. I've been throwing this guy's mail out for years, ever since they quit forwarding it - I tried to be nice ..
That's it. This piece goes into the burn pile. Now that's 2 1/2 seconds of my life I'll never get back, NOT INCLUDING THIS POST! Marketing, I give you guys a B+ for effort. Still, that excellent pitch didn't make the sale. Ya' fiyad!