Modern Peak Stupidity telephone etiquette


Posted On: Saturday - March 24th 2018 12:19AM MST
In Topics: 
  Humor  Curmudgeonry  Artificial Stupidity



"Not invented here" is not spoken here at Peak Stupidity! We have invented a new telephone etiquette just in time for the 21st century, or what's left of it. First of all, the reader may have one question right away. "What is a telephone?" Oh, sorry, they are just called phones now, but with most of these modern devices, on can still perform telephony, the process of conversion of sound waves into electrical signals, sending said signal somewhere, and converting back into the same static-y broken-up sound waves that one started with. "Elementary, my dear ... " errr "Mr. Watson – Come here – I want to see you" were the first words to have come through Alexander Graham Bell's invention 142 years ago. Through the magic of geeks and technology, this has become "Ms. Watson, can you hear me now?" and "Yes, sawww yr bikini pics look fwd to mpg file."

The phone etiquette to be introduced here at the Peak Stupidity blog was really lifted from a friend. He has been without caller ID in the modern world. Well, life moves pretty fast these days, and one must keep up somewhat or will get behind the waves that keep us ahead of the red SPAM tide. In my case, it's a phone number that somehow escaped, after many years, into the clutches of BIG DATA - that's the problem.

Here's the solution: Do not say "Hello" anymore for any number that is unknown (all numbers in my friend's case). Just hit the answer button or do whatever swiping is necessary. Then, just sit there and wait for some noise to come across the NSA data-sucking servers ether until you hear either:

a) Your phone's hang-up noise, as the computer generated software instigating the call has figured this number is bogus, and proceeds to subtract a 1 in the Real_Person_Count field in the Harass_The_Shit_Outta table of the NOS (Numbers Of Suckers) database.

b) Your friend or colleague finally says, "Hey, what the...?" and you're like "Hey". After you've answered questions such as "what's wrong with you?" for a few times, this friend will understand the point of this new phone etiquette.

It's elementary, Watson, it's the person calling that must say something first now: "Hello" may still be used, as that's just so ingrained, or we could start with "Can you hear me now?" which may eventually morph into a quicker "HearMiNow?" I like it.

Let's give it a few months or years, as personal etiquette, even the pronunciation of said word (it's 3 syllables, it turns out, not "Et-teek") is not easily changed. It's incumbent upon the reader to steer traffic to Peak Stupidity in order to spread this software-defeating method of phone etiquette around. If we you get cracking we may be all used to it after not so long ... about the time that people don't even use the phone to talk anymore. Well, telephony had a good run 140-odd years... it's probably a lost art just due to the difficulty of answering a damn call without just picking up a part, or mashing one simple button anymore. It's way too much trouble for lots of us, in the age of Peak Stupidity.

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